You want your Backside- Square or Graduation ???

Having stayed in 5 cities, 3 in Swades & 2 in England & travelled around quite a bit, i've heard versions of Queen's English as different as Masaladosas r from Fish n Chips

In the God's own Country where i hail from ; the way we say "Pop Music" would remind u more of Vatican rather than Micheal Jackson & "Coke" would remind you of a male Chicken (among other things ;-))) than Aamir Khan's Thanda Matlab........".
Ingleesh becomes the official language after the "occasional" drink ( quite so many of them) with friends & relatives. The subsequent ground shaking discussions on the political, socio-religious & economic equations of Kerala, India, Gelf & Amerikka which needs to be altered, redrawn & utopianized (new word for English??) are conducted essentially in a version of the Queen's language which might first induce her to go to her grave & then turn in it !!!Also when my friend said about a new movie "Yellow Sea" which is playing in Cochin i had in mind mebbe an Akira Kurasowa sort of art movie, till i realized he was talking about LOC with half of Bollywood in it.

Life took me to Mumbai for my MBA & from the first day i was so conscious of my so-called mallu accent. Years of methodically & deliberately stifling & mutilating this accent has worked to some extent. At least in short doses it is rather neutral but have a longer conversation & it pops out (damn..lola kutty). Another pbm was that I was at the same time learning to speak casually in Hindi at the same time. In Mumbai, Hindi n English (Actually Mumbaiyaa versions of both) are as unseparable as Siamese twins. So u've to go like this " Bai aayaa thaa, & and i told her u have to be more regular, aur woh b&#^%$ bol rahaa hai ki I've to pay 200 more, what the f... !!" .. (Well i did spent some time in my std 5 learning the difference betwn "aa rahaa; aa rahi; jaa rahaa; jaa rahi " But Mumbai taught me dont bother , be bindaas , Hindi can be gender blind too!!..hence bai aayaa thaa, gaadi aayaa thaa, train aaya that, ladki aaya thaa ) Moreover, hindi expletives at regular intervals not only makes you so sound more macho but also that u r really comfy wth the language .I noticed that second word of any Punjab-daa-puttar's casual conversation sentence is either of the two fave twin Hindi gaalis (yeah next time listen...)

Work took me abroad to the home of English & I realized that much of what i thought was good English; the Englishmen themselves havent heard of it !!! For eg: One of my friends asked our trainer "May i know your good name plz??" He responded "Well, its Pete, ..uh; dont know if its good or bad"..Later i figured that probably it was a very Indian Shubh naam which became Good name quite innovatively so. And when another of our group mentioned someone's dad expired, quite unexpected this guy burst out laughing; while I was contemplating whether this guy was a remnant of British raaj; (laughing like Bob Cristo over the death of a native in aBollywood movie) he told us that for them it is usually loans n mortgages that expires which is a rather happy occasion !!!

And in the same UK trip once there was this friend of mine who suddenly screamed "Right Here" to the London cabbie and Screeeechhh....... he slammed the brakes right there. She said "no ,not here" and the cab started again & once again she screams "Right here" ...So he braked right there ..Both were confused & this "Right here" & "Screeecchh" went on a couple of times till someone else sort of explained that "Please take a right turn" is what she had in mind !!!

Back in India after Bangaloring a few jobs from the UK ; i heard a totally different tongue; a very Bangalorean English; which went like "Dont put-tu your slipper-u in the mud-du"or an exasperated" What-and-all do i have to do, aayo amma" ; a very curious" What it seems, what it seems???" ; or a questioning "I've to do it-aaa or u'will do it aaaa???"

But nothing could beat the barber who was giving me a haircut & asked me how the hair should be cut..(A round cut or a sloping cut ) "Sir, you want your backside square or graduation " ???!!!!

God save the queen !!Serves her right for spreading the language so indiscriminately

Football with the Fanatics :- Eng Vs France match June 14 2004

Tottenham, Central London :-
Euro Cup 2004 was on and I was in London. A process Migration Project from my company. Being in the homeland of Football when their team is participating in such an important tournament was an umatchable experience. Like being in Mumbai when India is playing in the World Cup. So much josh; absolute fanatism!!!England flags on every car, England merchandise in all shops..

We had thot we'll watch the much awaited Eng-France match at an English pub ....Just for the 100% experience. We were desperate to find one as the match had already started.........only sounds in the the deserted Oxford street was from the occasional pub which was all full with England shirts singing , cheering....
Finally slightly off the road found a pub with a spare table and the sign outside "Yeah, we show the footie in our telly"
Was the same ambience as everywhere but I noticed it was not a very young crowd ; some oldies in England shirts, another group all in England shirts and weird lookin big England hats ..After we took our places at the table noticed 3 more guys..One a thin skinhead like youngster with tattoos all over ...but (Somehow girls found him cute than menacing as the ones we'd heard stories of) .., and 2 blacks; one quite lookin like Laurence Fishburne; sitting at the bar ..
"Daat izzz a dangerous color to wear today " Mr Fishburne told my friend who was wearing a dark blue tshirt ...He pointed to his own tshirt which had a Union Jack...and winked .His accent gave it away..He was French !! And so was the skinhead n the other guy...three Frenchmen in the midst a very patriotic English crowd
Match goes on..Ooohs and aahs ..England attacks......Beckham curves in one ;Lampard scores.......... Gooooooaaaalll !! The pub exploded..Red and white all over ...People started singing ........"Born eeeeeeeeeeeen Eng-Land" theme song for the team this year ..More beer for everyone.
Skinhead is really disappointed ........"Sheeeeeeiiittt"

French tries to attack but are not even testing James the English keeper...........
Half time !!! Pub started playing the current rage ;England football songs..The Englishmen sing along...A surge in Patriotism.

I'd always wondered if they had a Brit equivalent for those Rok Sake to Rok Lo sort of songs which become a hit in India when World Cup Cricket is on. Not quite so but there was this one.....
"Three Lions on your shirt,
Jules Rimet still gleaming ,
30 years of hurt,
couldnt stop u dreaming.... "


They're referring to the 1966 controversial World Cup win for England ( they say there were 14 Englishmen on the field; 11 Players, referree & linesmen) still much like we keep nostalgically talking about 1983 in cricketing terms.Well at least we won on our own; not with the umpires' help.
A couple of 'em taunts Skinhead; one puts an arm around his shoulder n says "Too bad Frenchie Boy " ..pats him on the back mockingly and singing along the English songs in his face ...

"Peeeessss Offf" ...........Frenchie boy shows the Middle finger ............

Fishburne is in a mood to talk to us....may be coz we 're the only non English looking and comparitively sober group around.. "Barthezzz ..getting old, Anelka wazzz goood..Zidaane old now....U know Thierry Henry ??"he asks..He's my Frriend "I know heeem very welll" .....

But he's given up on his team.."No use today ..England will win"

Match starts again..France keeps attacking..But then Wayne Rooney takes the ball and goes into the French penalty area..he gets crudely hacked down by Mikael Silvestre, who was fortunate to receive only a caution, and England are duly awarded a penalty....Our 3 French Musketeers cant bear to watch..Beckham takes the kick , Barthez dives right .................. Penalty Saved !!!! Englishmen cant believe this ...................."

"Yeahhhhh " ..Skinhead raises his arms more in relief than truimph ........ But match is nearing finish....The singing starts again .. Frenchie boy cant sit down anymore..starts walkin around with hands on his head.."Non non non"............Singing becomes louder
Just a minute odd of injury time to go..France gets a freekick..Zidane takes it and curls aorund Goal keeper James............. "Gooooaaallll" Skinhead starts jumpin about........Fishburne also pumps his fist and does a High five with the Skinhead...
Englishmen bang their fists on the table "Dammmmmmmmmmn!" But its not over yet ...a minute later James brings down Henry and France is given a penalty..Englishmen are dumbfounded now..
Zidaane come fwd to take the kick .."He cant miss it , he cant miss it" Fishburne is muttering.. Now Zidane doesn't miss such opportunities..not like Beckham (with haircuts and Posh Spice to distract him) ..........he kicks it in to the right of the Goalkeeper who dives the wrong way...

"Gooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllll " Its 2-1 France

Pub goes all silent but for the Skinhead and the other 2 Frenchmen who are now dancing embracing each other...Even the reserved Mr Fishburne cannot hide his delight...
Skinhead now launched into a new dance routine...which basically involved Middle fingers extended in both hands and raising above his head and jumping around..
And he started a different song "Aaaallez .....................allez allez ohh aaaahh, Aaaaaalllezzz" .................. Fishburne and the other French men join in ..."Aaaaaaalllez ...."
"Y'all better learn some French now !!!" Fishburne shouts at all ..."Bonjour , Comment allez vous.." And then he joined in with the other two "Aaaaallez, allez allez Ohh aaaaaaaaaaaahhh" ................

Three years in the making; here it is ...THE BLOGGGG !!!

"With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere"

It 's my New Year resolution to start a blog !!

I 'm consistent..I had the same resolution in 2002 & 2003. I forgot about it in 2004. But remembered again in 2005

Problem is the Blogger's Block (manifests itself just like the writer's block) ..It means that I get this incredibly creative idea when i'm on my bike negotiating the nearly nbon-existent Bangalore roads (they exist in patches between the potholes) or when i' m takin a shower in the morning or desperately working out trying to lose weight at the gym(thats another New Year resolution) ...but whn i come back to the comp and think of keying in something..all just evaporates, no mood no time & so no blog

Being in an American company; with American Holidays today i'm havin an off.I'm supposed to celebrate Martin Luther King's Birthday today. No problemo !! I can celebrate the B'day of Britney Spears if you want. If i'm given a holiday on a Monday

Imagine waking up at say 8:30 in the morning ..Stretch ...yaaawwwnn..And then ..damn its monday .....but wait a sec !!! Today it's Martin Luther King's Happy B'day..u can sleep another 2 hours. So i pull the covers over my head & go back to the world of outrageous dreams.

Well I just remembered, Dr. King was the one with the original "I have a Dream" Speech. Well hope someday i'll be able to dream a dream which can actually mentioned to a group & will be applauded for it.....

As for the current dreams...well; let me put it this way only thing i can do with them is to sell the movie rights to... say Zalman King ;-))

So much for that. Feeling good that i've created a blog & maybe i'l actually get some readers for the same & maybe someday there'll be readers who will wait for the next blog.....

All this when i've not really decided what this blog will be all about..Mebbe some of those lazy ruminations of mine & anecdotes from my not so eventful life...Thank God its not some situation where this blog is my only source of livelyhood with some corporate tycoon deciding to pay me according to the number of hits on the site.

Welcome to my blog; do visit again