Friday, February 09, 2007

West Side Story- Misadventures of a Desi Software Casanova in Yankeeland

(While the next report from Tokyo is shaping up, enjoy this anecdote from a friend..of course the masala and special effects are by flaashgordon)

This did not happen to me. Neither did it happen to someone I know. And I heard it from someone I had no business of hearing it from................

Ok enough of crap, just know that this is just an anecdote out of the anecdotal Pandora’s box which opens when there are a couple of old friends meeting up, are a couple of drinks down and are swapping stories…

Anyway…here’s the story.......

“There was this Software guy who went onsite to the US“ … Can hear your collective groans “Aww, not another one”. Are Software guy jokes are more common than the Sardar jokes in Bangalore nowadays? Ok, anyway I can’t help it if he went onsite. .

Anyway, this man was different. He was not the usual who vows to live onsite on just one dollar a day, have only Puliogre or Thairsadam everyday and save the rest. This one, for starters was a stud mallu Casanova who used to make the hearts of every babe in office go flutter (Disclaimer 1: This was probably his own opinion ...Disclaimer 2: The definition of a babe in a Software company is “ anyone who fills “F” in the gender column of the Application form”)…. ….

Well, our man had watched enough movies to get a fairly accurate picture of America as a place where women generally dress in Baywatch gear and guys could pick’em up at any bar/pub just by saying……… “Bond, James Bond”.

And so, he had his task cut out…. He wasn’t going to miss any “opportunity” when it presented itself, and was on the lookout right from the time he boarded the plane. Unfortunately for the man though, most of the intricacies of the Queen’s language were still a mystery to him

The AI flight out of Bangalore was eventless, the Airhostess too old and his neighbor was another software guy. Our man hence concentrated on the next best thing about International flights ie: Free Booze… By the time he reached NY, he had done reasonable justice to Kerala’s "highest per-capita consumption of Alcohol" statistic...But well man doesn't live by whisky alone...

He hoped for better luck in the transit flight from NY. Our man entered the aircraft and found his seat. The next seat was empty. A “gorgeous blonde” entered the plane. Our man held his breath. She paused near his seat. The man fervently prayed to all the gods he knew. She smiled, checked her ticket and sat down beside him. Our man’s heartbeats quickened. He pretended to stare out of the window while strategizing furiously. Scenarios, Alternate Scenarios, Counter Scenarios. The conversation Opener, follow-up, clincher. He didn’t even realize it when the flight took off…

“Sir........” he turned. The Airhostess was offering a glass of Orange Juice. His neighbor helped the Airhostess by taking the glass from her and offered it to him. Maybe it was the unexpectednerss of that, his nervousness, or the alcohol in the blood stream, the man tried to take the glass and awkwardly dropped it. The juice got all spilt in his lap. “ Sorry” She exclaimed ; took a tissue and proceeded wipe it off in his lap. Our man was in a dream. Something had to happen now. Various movie scenarios flashed thru his mind in fastforward . The situation begged to be taken advantage of ....

"No proublam maadamm, ” he said. She smiled. He was encouraged

He decided to start a conversation. “Wh-where you going ?” He asked

“I’m goin to Seattle” She answered

“ I goingg Seattle too. I am SOFTWARE engineer - Microsoft Project, you know Microsoft- Bill Gates???” He was sure that’d impress her.
“ Oh, that’s great”. She smiled again
………………
………………
……………..
Our man was eager to continue the conversation. He wasn’t going to let go of such a golden opportunity. He told her about the “Dotnet” project and how he was chosen out of many for the assignment.

She kept smiling and listening. Our man decided to take it to the next level…..
“ So why YOU going Seattle? ” He asked

And then came the answer, which broke his heart into a thousand pieces; made him stay off blondes in his lifetime….and prematurely ends this story.

She answered, “ I’m going to visit my grandchildren!!!!!!”



(Do you think this initial setback caused our man to abandon hope and focus on coding alone? No way, here’s part 2)


A few days passed; our man started on the Client Project. Lack of Linguistic abilities never tampered with his supreme coding skills and he was doing well in his job. However, this did prevent him getting anywhere close to a Yankee “All-American” woman and so the romantic life he dreamed off never took off.

Days passed and our man was getting desperate. No action, no satisfaction. ...But then one day fate smiled on him. He was working late one day when someone spoke behind him “Excusa Senor“ . He turned, and Lightning bolt struck him . He could hear Violins were playing in the background.. It was the Hispanic maid who was cleaning the office. Almost Salma Hayek, though probably 15 kg heavier and probably, around so many years older. The opportunity he was looking for had come to him with a Vacuum Cleaner.

Both shared a common advantage of not knowing too much English. And soon, our man was more than friends with her. Don’t ask how they communicated but he soon got himself invited to her house for dinner on Friday.

D-Day came. The dinner went great though the conversation was difficult. After the food, they went to the living room. Our man could sense the atmosphere was electric. The night held a lot of promise. He wanted to say something romantic to set the mood. He looked out of the window .... He opened the door and stepped out. He felt chilly so he put on his coat. The lady looked bemused, he hadnt spoken anything after the dinner and was now putting on his coat.

It was a beautiful night, slightly chilly but there was a clear sky where one could see the stars. The moonlight bathed the foliage around. It was breathtaking. The night was so beautiful . He took it all in but unfortunately, his severely limited vocabulary did not allow him to express all that..The only adjective he could think of, was "good". And so he said……………
“Good night!!!”

(It was a long walk back; he never realized why the Latina went inside and slammed the door.)

PS: Do leave a comment and do share a similar story in the comments section if u have one :-)))

Check out my latest post on my Tokyo life here

33 comments:

silverine said...

he he this was unbeliebevable, does this guy actually exist? I am sure he does, but he is a gem, maybe we should have him bronzed hahaha!!

Sunny said...

Hey Flaash!....'Good morning'!!....Had a good laff at the mone's expense! :D

Take care! :)

naveen said...

Hmmm...Software Engg. Jokes....I must b careful....Fantastic article dude..

I Take No Logic said...

Hi navin, you always seems to churn out so much of humour out of daily life situations... i was still haunting your intiatimes blog site wondering whatsoever happened to your funny bone... keep writing buddy, I can keep getting my daily dose of laughter from here... u c ;)

sriravi said...

Interesting! I adore the twist at the end of every episode……especially the ambiguous ‘good night’.

Btw have you read, "The Inscrutable American" by Anurag Mathur..... Surely enjoyable material......but depends on ones capacity to stomach some gross humour.

Expecting more amusing experiences......

flaashgordon said...

@Silverine: I am told he exists. Yup, quite a gem !!

@Sunny: Thnxx ma'am and keep visiting

@naveen: hehe, just kidding ..who has heard of software engg jokes ;-)). In friends circles tho' everyone exchanges onsite stories


@itakenologic: Thanks pal !! i'd moved out of indiatimes due to too many spam comments

@sriravi: havent read that one yet. But wasnt there a movie on one of his books. dont remmeber. btw , the last good night wasnt supposed to be ambiguos . If so it would have been a serious story.He just used it as an adjective as he couldnt think of another ....not as a goodbye ;-)))

Mishmash ! said...

hahah, that was the funniest "good night" story I ve ever heard :)) U have a way with words, Flaash.

mathew said...

Lol!!he is some pure blooded malayalee...neverthless out aspiration are always mega scale!!!!

the climax was terrific...paavam chekkan!! :-P

Nariyal Chutney said...

Hilarious! Would have loved to see the snap of the moment when the lady told abt visiting her grandchildren :DD

flaashgordon said...

@mishmash: thnx ma'am ..keep visiting

@mathew: you've seen the type..nalla hardcore achayan - "am gods gift to women" variety :-))

@nariyal chutney: guess the blonde ddnt look her age at all !!. that is really my favorite story too. bettr told than written down i guess

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Ha ahhaha.... that was absolutely hilarious!!

Twilight Fairy said...

Hey whatever happened? I sent u the mail with the links.. did you see them? :p :). got no response from you.. or was that not to be expected? :p

shivaranjan said...

Hi Flaash... had a nice laugh.. :)

Asterix said...

Is this for real ??? Pretty funny description of the poor man's wannabe sexcapades!! ;-)

Suji said...

Here for the first time. Had a great time reading many of your posts. U r hilarious n u write really well. :)

accidental diva said...

that was hilarious:):)..
must say u write really well..read a few of ur posts today n liked all of them..esp Mon Amie & Harry and the magic broom...have gone thru exactly the same experience when we got our first vaccum cleaner:):)

will be visiting ur blog more often for sure:):)

flaashgordon said...

sudipta: thnx a lot..keep visiting


shivranjan: thnx ..do keep visiting

@asterix: guess he does exist. theyre too good to be fabricated :-). btw am a regular reader of urs too .Hadnt u written that "gunda" post. Sorry havent commented tho' .will do from now on

@suji: thnxx a lot !! so check out the other posts too

@ diva: thnxx ma'am ..do check out the older posts too. do keep commenting too :-)

Jithu said...

ha ha.. reminds me of this old story where a chap meets a foreigner lady. the lady accidently hits him for which she says, "I am sorry" for which he replies "I am Rajesh". :p

munnabhai third part is coming up in which the duo goes to the US of A. will get to see a lot of similar things in it! :-)

Priya said...

What is with mallu guys and airplanes?! If I had a rupee for everytime I heard a joke made on a mallu guy in an aircraft..well, I'd be so rich, I can start blogging for a living! ;-)

First time to your blog, totally enjoyed it! :-)

Anonymous said...

Loved it ev'ry bit, buddy!

Best, Mark

jyoti said...

he he:) too "good"

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